


Trying to find the Balance

by AcieReyloPawesome



Category: Star Wars, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Awkwardness, F/M, Finn and Rey friendship, Force Bond, Jealousy, Kissing, Millenium Falcon, Post-TLJ, Rey is unsure, Romance, Set after the battle on Crait, Sharing a Bed, Slow Burn, The Jedi texts, Uncontrollable emotions, make out
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-18
Updated: 2018-03-22
Packaged: 2019-04-04 01:52:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,119
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14009604
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AcieReyloPawesome/pseuds/AcieReyloPawesome
Summary: Rey struggles with trying to figure out if she's light, dark, or perhaps something in between, and Kylo Ren showing up every now and then certainly doesn't help.





	1. Chapter 1

It had been weeks since the battle on Crait. The Resistance had found a planet to hide their base on, and General Organa was well acquainted with the people of it. The planet was quiet and far from the reach of the First Order, and that calmed Rey.

Rey opened the door and almost stormed out of the Millenium Falcon, almost tripping on the way down. She had not left the ship for a few days, she'd spent quite a long while inside studying the Jedi texts and meditating. She couldn't let herself lose control, she had to stay strong. She could rest after the war was over. 

Her stomach growled. Since she hadn't stepped outside for a few days, Rey hadn't really eaten. She knew it wasn't good for her health, but she had gotten so used to feeling starved on Jakku, that sometimes she didn't even notice until it was too late. Finn had occasionally brought her food, accompanied with a brotherly hug and an invite to join the others, but Rey wanted to focus and learn. She had to learn the ways of the Jedi, and since Luke was now gone, the texts were her only hope. And she herself was the only hope of the Resistance.

She knew she could also distract herself with the texts and constant tiring of herself from Kylo Ren's frequent attempts to connect through the force. After she'd shut that door on Crait, she had meant it as a message to move on, but the man was determined. And Rey had to admit, he kind of liked the fact that he didn't give up on her. Deep down she knew she hadn't given up on him, either.

But now she had to get fresh air. She inhaled the cold air and enjoyed the way it tickled her throat.

"Rey? Rey!"

Rey turned to face Finn and was surprised by his hug. The ex-stormtrooper hugged her tightly, and Rey hugged him back. 

"Hi Finn", she said softly, then shook her head quickly and changed her tone. She couldn't speak to her friend with the same tone that she spoke to..

"So, you finally decided to get some fresh air, huh?"

"Yeah.. but no. I still need some, no, actually, a lot of alone time, I need to meditate and get a good, firm grip on the Light side, since.. since.."

"Since what?"

Finn was clearly worried. Rey hesitated on telling him, but he was her best friend. And she trusted him more than anyone. At least more than anyone in the Resistance..

"Please.. don't hate me.." she whispered, and looked up to Finn's dark eyes.

"I could never hate you, Rey. You can tell me what's bothering you."

She swallowed, before confessing: 

"I.. I had.. still have.. a force bond with B- .. Kylo Ren."

Finn gasped and took a step back. Of course he was upset, Ben - no, Kylo - had tried to kill him. And Finn had worked under him, he surely had a very different picture of Kylo than Rey did. Who wouldn't feel unsure after hearing that?

"What even is a 'force bond'? And with Kylo Ren? How?" he asked, slowly.

"I'm not entirely sure, Finn.. gods, this is all so new to me! A few months ago I had no idea of the war or the force and now suddenly I can see the man I l-"

"The man you what?"

"N-never mind that. The force bond is.. it's difficult to explain. It allows me to see him, and vice versa, even though he's not here but on the other side of the galaxy. I can't.., at least not yet, choose when it happens, it just kind of.. does. And we can talk and.. touch.. but we can't see each others' surroundings.. And.. and I was foolish and stupid enough to.. to mail myself in a package to his ship.. but then.. then he did something I'd never expect.. from him, I mean."

Rey stared at Finn, her eyes watering. 

"Kylo Ren is the one who killed Snoke, not me,"

Finn's eyes widened.

"And.. then.. I was again foolish and I -"

"Rey-"

Her eyes were suddenly filled with tears as she struggled to finish the sentence. 

"And then I felt a pull.. to the Dark side."

The hand Finn had been reaching towards her completely stopped mid-air. His eyes widened even more than Rey had though to be possible and he stepped back again. 

"And now.. I've just been reading the Jedi texts to.. you know, kind of.. cure myself, I guess? And- and I'm.. I'm afraid. Because if.. I don't resist, I will let all of you down. And.. that is the last thing I want."

Finn exhaled. He put his palm on her shoulder and gently, friendly grabbed her jaw and lifted her head so she looked him in the eyes.

"It's.. it's fine, Rey. Just promise me you'll stay in the light, at least try, please?"

Rey nodded without hesitation and hugged her friend again. 

"Thank you.. for understanding."

As Finn left, Rey could suddenly feel like she was being watched. She turned around quickly, and realized that after weeks of successfully keeping Kylo out, her guard was now down and the man stoop mere meters from her.

Staring back with his dark eyes.


	2. Chapter 2

Kylo was the one to break the silence. 

"So, you and the traitor?"

His tone of voice was strange, Rey had never heard it before, especially from him. It was as if he was angry with her, but still kind of.. wasn't. It was weird seeing him so.. insecure and slightly pathetic. Rey scoffed and turned away from him, but Kylo came closer and spoke again.

"You can hear me, can't you? I know you can, so stop ignoring me. Rey. Talk to me."

Rey did her best to ignore the man, but she couldn't help but feel irritated and her brows furrowed. She remained not facing him and began walking away from him, towards the Falcon. She should not have come here, she should have stayed inside, this was a mistake-

"Rey. Please. You don't know how alone I've felt without you.."

Rey stopped, but didn't turn around. If she did, she would risk him seeing her blushed cheeks and realize how quickly her heart was beating.. No. She couldn't risk it. She couldn't and she wouldn't.

"We need to talk", Kylo said again.

"I.. I really don't think we should", Rey said, finally turning around. She avoided his eyes. One glance into them and she'd be broken. 

She refused to look at him, but she could still see how his expression softened into a slight smile. Was he smiling because of her? And it wasn't an evil grin or a smirk either, no, it was a weird goofy smile she definitely did not expect from Kylo Ren. It just kind of didn't go with his attitude and clothing. Rey felt her own lips try to twitch into a smile too, but she forced herself to stop before she even began. No. He wouldn't make her smile. Then, suddenly, the smile was gone and he was as serious as ever.

"Why?" he asked.

Rey squeezed her eyes shut so she wouldn't start screaming at him. How could he not understand?!

"You know exactly why."

"But.. I miss you."

Rey looked up quickly. She did not expect that. Her brows shot up and she blushed even more. She couldn't even fully process what he'd just said. But then she frowned and huffed.

"How do I know this isn't one of your, poor, may I add, attempts to 'turn me'? Because mark my words, it will not happen."

"Well correct me if I'm wrong, but you just talked to the traitor about you being afraid of turning. So clearly it kind of already is."

Rey clenched his fists. This man. He irritated her so much, but yet she couldn't help but feel-

"That is- not the point! And can you stop calling him that?"

"So you do have feelings for him, huh?" 

"What?"

Kylo's face was unreadable. He seemed angry again and frustrated, too, but also confused and she could see that same insecurity shining from his eyes again. Then it hit her. Was he jealous?

"You heard me. You and FN-2187. You're together, right?" he spat out bitterly.

"No! Never! We're friends!"

He relaxed clearly, but still remained pissed.

"But you.. you hugged him"

"Yes! That is what friends do! Have you never had friends? And what is this all about, Ben? Jealousy?"

The words escaped her mouth before she could stop herself. What was she thinking? This was stupid, he didn't have feelings for her.. 

Kylo was speechless. Why was his heart beating so fast? Was it because she had hit him where it hurt? He inhaled sharply and stared Rey into her eyes.

"I'm sorry, that was stupid.. and selfish.. I shouldn't just expect people to.. be in love with me or somethi-"

"Maybe you're right."

Rey instantly turned to look at him. 

Kylo took a step forward. He gave her a second, in case she wanted to run away, stop, escape, really - anything. But she didn't, so he continued walking towards her. Rey walked in sync with Kylo, him walking forward, her walking backwards. Soon, her back was against the wall of the Falcon and she began breathing faster.

"Maybe I am jealous that that traitor is able to be there for you, comfort you, hug you. Maybe I'd like to do that too..."

"Why would you? We're on the opposite sides of a war, you hate me."

She could see him glance at her lips and instantly knew what he was going to do next. She couldn't help her lips from curling into a small smile and this time she didn't stop herself. His eyes flickered back to hers and she could see they were no longer filled with jealousy but.. something.. else.

"Who ever told you I hate you?"

After that he instantly leaned in, closing the distance between them. Rey didn't hesitate and kissed back, pouring months of longing, wanting, missing Kylo - no, Ben - into the kiss. She knew it was wrong. She knew she would regret it as soon as it would be over. But she didn't care. It felt right.

How could something so wrong feel so right?

Ben pulled back for a second, gazing over her flushed face. Then he whispered a swear word under his breath, and then kissed her again, a little rougher this time. But never too rough for her. Rey let her hands study his jaw, cheeks and soon the back of his neck.  
Ben kissed her faster when her hands found his hair and she tangled her fingers into the mess. When he thought of her fingers, he remembered the night when they'd touched for the first time. He remembered how much he had wanted to kiss her back then and found the thought of now being able to do that pleasing. He let his gloved hand travel up her back and leaned even closer.

Then suddenly, they heard a voice from inside and instantly pulled apart. Well, it wasn't a voice - it was beeps. Rey turned to look the Falcon door she'd left open and saw R2-D2. Of course. The droid was annoyed buy what it had walked - well, rolled - in on. Rey gave it an apologetic smile as the droid left and turned to look at Ben. The man looked slightly horrified and he was blushing.

Now Rey finally realized what they had actually been doing. She let go of Ben's hair and took a step back. Ben, too, removed his arms from around her and avoided eye contact. 

"This.. this can not happen again", she whispered, unable to look him in the eye.

"It won't", Ben said.

Even though they tried, neither of them were very convinced. Silence.

"Are.. are you going to leave.. at some point?" she asked after a few seconds.

"How? I can't control it."

Rey huffed and realized he was right. Kriff.

"Well, uh, I'm going to go read the.. the Jedi texts again", Rey struggled with the words as she forced herself to look Ben in the eye.

"Uhh.. have fun? he offered.

"Thanks, I guess?" Rey stuttered and disappeared inside the Falcon. 

Ben felt ashamed. And he knew she did too. He could feel it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I suck at writing make out scenes, let's be real. But I hope you still enjoyed! Reylo song recommendation: Without You by David Guetta and Usher. Bye!


	3. Chapter 3

After the incident, Rey and Ben both did their best to keep each other out, but it was easier since neither of them were trying to reach out. They kept themselves busy with tasks, for example Rey spent her days listening to the plans of the Resistance and accompanied General Leia on meetings with possible future allies, meditated and studying the Jedi texts. She always got a bit flustered when Leia introduced her as the only hope of the Resistance and the last living Jedi. She hadn't expected to gain such a status in such a short time. Going from a scavenger, a nobody from Jakku to the only hope of the galaxy and the one everyone counted on to destroy the First Order and kill Kylo Ren, was a huge jump, especially when it happened in a few months. It made her anxious.

Ben kept himself busy with events of the First Order and making plans - well, more like listening to Hux's plans, bored - to wipe out the Resistance for good. A fair amount of his time though was spent on training and trying to forget Rey. It wasn't as easy as he'd expected. 

Sometimes their thoughts traveled back to that day, the talk and the kiss. Those thoughts, even after countless attempts to block them, still hung on to both of their minds, haunting their dreams and keeping them up at night. 

One faithful day, as Rey was getting ready for bed, she felt it. A slight pull, like someone had taken her hand and squeezed it. She turned around, and for a second she felt like she could see Ben. She blinked, and suddenly he was gone. But she still felt as if he was there.

As she reached her bed, she realized she could hear something. Like a voice, humming, murmuring, singing to her ear. She couldn't quite make out whose voice it was, definitely not Ben's, nor could she make out what it was saying, expect for a one word that she kept hearing over and over.

'Ben.'

Rey tried to empty her mind and forced the thoughts away, but the humming still continued in the back of her head. She lay in bed, her back to a wall, squeezing her eyes shut, but it only made it worse. Now she could hear it even clearer.

'You need Ben. You want Ben. You love Ben.'

Rey instantly turned around in her bed and told her mind to SHUT THE KRIFF UP!! Then she realized she'd forgotten to block the bond, meaning Ben was there on her bed and- 

She was staring back into his black eyes. Rey instantly jolted backwards, falling off the bed and causing Ben to sit up too.

"Rey! Kriff, are you okay?"

Rey stood up and felt her face heating up. Luckily, she noticed he was blushing hard too. She avoided the question and instead replied with:

"What are you doing here?" 

'Oh gods, he is shirtless. Why does he have to sleep like this? It's not like I go to bed half-naked', she thought.

"What do you mean? You're in my bed."

'Also, maybe don't send your thoughts down the bond again', she could hear him think.

'Oh right, he could hear my thoughts. Kriff.'

"Well, whatever. I'd like to sleep now, so.."

"Well I'm not leaving my bed either."

Awkward silence sunk into the room as realization struck them. There was only one way to do this. Rey swallowed what felt like a bucket of sand from Jakku, and whispered:

"Scoot over, then."

Ben's chest rose up as he inhaled sharply, but he did give her space. Silently, she sat on the bed and slid down softly, turning her back on him. Even after trying stay as far away from each other as possible, the bed was small and Rey could feel his chest rising up and moving down along his breathing, and for some weird reason that made her nervous. She tried her best to not send the thoughts through the bond, but some managed to escape.

'His chest is so muscular', was one of them. 

'Uhh.. Thanks.'

'Uhm.. I didn't- sorry..'

'It's fine.. I know it can be difficult to control thoughts .. especially around you..'

They didn't say anything, but they knew they were both imagining it. As Rey quietly turned around to face him again, they both knew they were thinking the same. About the kiss.

'Remember when I said I promise THAT won't happen again?' Ben thought.

'Yeah?'

'I don't think I can keep that promise.'

And with that, they both leaned in and kissed. Rey curled up to Ben's body and wrapped her arms around him, the other on his back, the other one the back of his neck. She leaned closer and felt him smile into the kiss. 

A few seconds later, she broke the kiss and looked into his eyes. Ben looked confused, wondering if he did something wrong to cause this rather strange reaction. 

'Can I just.. say something?' she asked through her thoughts.

'Go ahead', he said, still confused.

She took a deep breath. 

"Ben", she spoke. "I know everyone tells me that.. that you're a monster. I used to think that too."

Ben looked disappointed. And he was. Was this a rejection? Was she saying that she liked making out with him, but he was still just a heartless monster to her? He knew what most people thought of him, and he himself had at some point accepted that if no one could ever see him as anything else than a monster, then he'd adapt that character into himself. The galaxy saw him as a creature of evil who'd kill anyone on sight who dared to disrespect him or the First Order. Nobody could see the true him that he hid behind the image of Kylo Ren. At least, until now.

"Yes, I.. I know. Why-"

"But you aren't a monster."

He looked up quickly. He had to make sure she wasn't just pulling his leg.

"Not to me."

Ben felt like he could burst into tears. Slowly, a tear escaped his eye. His lips curled into a smile and he stroked his hand along Rey's cheek as he whispered:

"Thank you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's done! Yay! I hope you guys liked it!

**Author's Note:**

> I literally just had a dream that I was called to Hollywood to write the story for episode IX. Then I woke up and was like: I didn't meet Adam Driver yet!   
> THIS IS NOT A ONE-SHOT. This will have 3 chapters, so stay tuned!
> 
> Anyways, thanks for reading!


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